Friday, January 21, 2011

What I Didn't Expect

I remember hearing about pregnancy loss. I would see someone grieving after being 6, 8, 12 weeks pregnant and having a miscarriage, and my thought was, "what's the big deal." Unfortunately, I learned what the big deal was.

I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant. I woke up having really sharp pains. I could feel them in my dreams, they were so strong. I went to work anyway, thinking they'd go away, but they didn't. I went to a quick care and thought I'd dodged a bullet. It was a bladder infection. I'd never had one of those so wasn't sure what to expect with it. I went through the rest of the day in pain. And the next day as well. It was a horrible pain, but finally, Sunday night it all diminished. I woke up Monday morning and noticed I had started spotting. I wasn't surprised considering the cramping and whatnot from the weekend. But as the day progressed, the spotting turned into bright red bleeding.

This was where I became great friends with denial. I could just rest it off. The bleeding should stop. No need to go to the ER, the bleeding is going to stop. At least I can feel the baby move... I think. I've never had a pregnancy loss, no reason for one now. I eventually gave in and went to the ER. I could barely say the word "miscarriage" as the triage nurse asked why I was being seen. I laid in bed waiting for my ultrasound. I finally got wheeled back and was still thinking of all the things it could be aside from a miscarriage. The tech placed the gel on my abdomen and informed me she would need to use the wand instead. As she searched for any sign of life, I asked if there was anything I could see, still holding out hope that this was all just a bad dream and there was a healthy baby in there still. She told me she wasn't allowed to turn the screen.... something about hospital policy... and not being able to let me sit up... and blah blah blah. All this translated to me was there was nothing for me to see.

I never expected that I would have a miscarriage. I didn't realize how gut wrenching and painful it would be to hear "fetal demise" and to come to terms with the fact that I was losing my baby. I cried a lot the next few days. Not sure I'm even ready to start talking about that. I just cried. I went numb. I felt empty. I didn't expect this at all, and now I'm trying to move on. Trying to have a meaningful life after pregnancy loss.

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