Sunday, January 23, 2011

I hate weekends.

Weekends are hard for me. They mark both when I was 1 more week further in pregnancy as well as when my miscarriage all began. I won't lie, Saturday was the worst. I woke up and tried cleaning. Lots of cleaning. And while I cleaned, I kept breaking down in tears. I was so sad. It just hurt so much. The pains of the miscarriage are like it all happened yesterday. The emotion is still raw, still very much something I am living through. To drown my tears, I grabbed my mp3 player and the tears just poured as I cleaned floors, toilets, sinks, tubs, etc.

I tried to get on the computer but the wireless network just wasn't working. I had to really just deal with it all on my own. After cleaning, I picked up my knitting needles and started working on the baby sweater for my friend. She's due in March. My happiness for her is much stronger than my grief, so I find it a very therapeutic project. I wonder how many things I'll knit for her before she has the baby.

Today was better, but still a bit sad. I watched some TV, did a little cleaning, and relaxed for the most part. I did get out of the house today, even if it was only to the porch. It's further than I make it most days. Anyway, I'm hoping the days continue to get better.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I Want My Baby

It's a pretty common feeling, I think. I still feel a fluttering in my belly. Which means I'm probably a little crazy, or just not ready to let go of the idea of being pregnant. I truly wish I had a little one growing in there, but I know there's nothing. I know that on Monday, when I go for my follow up ultrasound, there will be nothing.

My son was looking in my phone and pulled up the picture I took of myself on Saturday. It was my last picture taken of my belly. You can see my belly sticking out. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful it would be to be pregnant and have another baby.

This pregnancy was a total surprise. Neither of us had prepared for it or were interested in having more children when I found out I was pregnant. Eventually, I was happy, but it did take quite a bit of getting used to. I had many different feelings. Upset one minute, happy the next, and back and forth until I finally settled into just being happy about it. I was making plans for the future. Excited to have this little baby with all the cute little baby clothes, baby smiles, baby laughs, everything about babies was just awesome. I started working on the baby blanket, the first time I would have done that for one of my kids. And now it's all gone. My husband isn't interested in having another baby, but I want one. I want my baby that I lost. I want to feel a baby growing inside me again. I want to see my belly start to protrude and to share the joy with my family. I want all these things, but I'm afraid I can't have them.

What I Didn't Expect

I remember hearing about pregnancy loss. I would see someone grieving after being 6, 8, 12 weeks pregnant and having a miscarriage, and my thought was, "what's the big deal." Unfortunately, I learned what the big deal was.

I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant. I woke up having really sharp pains. I could feel them in my dreams, they were so strong. I went to work anyway, thinking they'd go away, but they didn't. I went to a quick care and thought I'd dodged a bullet. It was a bladder infection. I'd never had one of those so wasn't sure what to expect with it. I went through the rest of the day in pain. And the next day as well. It was a horrible pain, but finally, Sunday night it all diminished. I woke up Monday morning and noticed I had started spotting. I wasn't surprised considering the cramping and whatnot from the weekend. But as the day progressed, the spotting turned into bright red bleeding.

This was where I became great friends with denial. I could just rest it off. The bleeding should stop. No need to go to the ER, the bleeding is going to stop. At least I can feel the baby move... I think. I've never had a pregnancy loss, no reason for one now. I eventually gave in and went to the ER. I could barely say the word "miscarriage" as the triage nurse asked why I was being seen. I laid in bed waiting for my ultrasound. I finally got wheeled back and was still thinking of all the things it could be aside from a miscarriage. The tech placed the gel on my abdomen and informed me she would need to use the wand instead. As she searched for any sign of life, I asked if there was anything I could see, still holding out hope that this was all just a bad dream and there was a healthy baby in there still. She told me she wasn't allowed to turn the screen.... something about hospital policy... and not being able to let me sit up... and blah blah blah. All this translated to me was there was nothing for me to see.

I never expected that I would have a miscarriage. I didn't realize how gut wrenching and painful it would be to hear "fetal demise" and to come to terms with the fact that I was losing my baby. I cried a lot the next few days. Not sure I'm even ready to start talking about that. I just cried. I went numb. I felt empty. I didn't expect this at all, and now I'm trying to move on. Trying to have a meaningful life after pregnancy loss.